"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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