I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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