sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
