i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
