You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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