i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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