I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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