From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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