in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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