Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
