and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
