Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
