the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
