Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
