things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
