Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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