I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
