I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
