I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
