Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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