Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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