Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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