I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm really busy with my period
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