My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
