Pants 0. Shit 1.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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