apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
she told me i tasted like america
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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