I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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