I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
