I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
