If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
