is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
