I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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