my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
