Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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