I accidentally had phone sex last night
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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