You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
