Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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