why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
