When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
