Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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