She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
