Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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