I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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