how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
