Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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