If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
