I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
