i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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