now i know why i became what i already was.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
