I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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